About two months into sixth grade, Jane went through an extremely painful experience of getting dumped by her best friend. For reasons I'll never understand, this girl couldn't just not do things with Jane, but she shunned her and encouraged others to shun Jane as well.
As a mother, it broke my heart. No mother wants to see their child in pain and to know another was purposefully cruel to my beautiful, loving girl just wrenched at my soul. The day this girl announced she wasn't friends anymore, I went over to her house and she tried to run in so she wouldn't have to hear whatever I was going to say. Luckily for me, her brother locked her out and she had to hear me. I let her know that I expected better from her because I knew she was capable of so much more.
I also let her know that I knew Jane wasn't "cool" or part of the in crowd, but she was making a huge mistake because Jane is loyal and kind, the sort of friend that would never let you down and that I felt bad that she couldn't recognize that. Of course I cried buckets too, my heart was wide open in the pain I felt for my child. Then I left, there was nothing left to say.
I struggled with an incredible amount of resentment. Especially when these girls went to actively shunning my child, running in front of her so she wouldn't be near them while walking home. At school, making cruel comments to tear my girl down.
We were also having trouble with Jane's teachers at this point. I blogged about my struggles with Jane and school earlier, so those struggles are already chronicled. With the whole peer thing and my fear of Jane's self worth being torn apart coupled with all the troubles with school, Jane was pulled and for the rest of sixth grade I home schooled her.
It was a difficult period but I felt spiritually guided to help Jane in areas that she struggled with. I know it was the right decision, I saw her improve in areas of her social development, her comprehension and her maturity. That really helped her last year when she went to public school again. Throw in this girl leaving to live with her mom out of state at the end of sixth grade, Jane had a chance to stretch out and thrive without the constant antagonism.
Before she left for her mom's house, I had a chance to wrestle with my own feelings and find peace. I want my daughter to be the bigger person, to be able to forgive others when wronged but I can't teach her that if I'm unable to do so myself.
I ran into this girl at Walmart and grabbed a minute to put my arm over her shoulder and let her know that that there were no hard feelings towards her. That is still true, I don't have hard feelings towards her but that doesn't mean I want my daughter to let this individual back in wholly and completely when she's possibly not changed.
So with less then two weeks back into town, after a full two years of causing Jane so much pain with one of those years out of state with no contact at all, this neighbor has showed up at our door and announced she wants to be friends with Jane again.
To my daughters credit, and in a showing of how incredibly trusting and forgiving she is, Jane is willing to move forward and have a friendship with this neighbor again. At the same time, Kent and I are afraid of this girl crushing what Jane's built while she's been gone. I truly believe forgiving and not putting yourself in a potentially hurtful situation are two different issues. We love Jane for being the person she is but want her to exercise caution with an individual that frankly, hasn't been in town long enough for any one of us to know truly where her heart lies.
So when the neighbor was at our door, I invited her in and spent some time with her and Jane. We visited and at times it was awkward for all three of us. I found out that while gone, this individual had failed to apply herself towards school, essentially flunking the seventh grade. I found this ironic considering how incredibly bright this teenager is with incredible potential that she's apparently not even aware she has.
It's also ironic because Jane has struggled so much with school herself and even with her learning disability which involves math skills, with the support of an incredible teacher pulled an "A" her last trimester of pre-algebra. Yes my heart swells just a bit when I type that. I am incredibly proud of all the effort she poured into school after such a rocky start that first trimester. I'm not only proud of her academics but Jane's made some extremely close friends.
I pointed out to Jane how good her friends are to her. They love and accept her for who she is, the good, the crazy, the smart, the annoying, embracing all of her without criticism or guile. These are the people she wants to lean onto. These are the friends that will continue to love her for who she is. No matter what happens with the neighbor, I want her to continue to spend time with these other friends. We know these other girls aren't reaching out simply because there is no one else to reach out to right now.
So I guess we wait and see what happens. I trust Jane's judgement and we have an open enough relationship, I hope she will come to us if she needs to. As for myself, I will encourage Jane to spend time with the friends that I know will support her no matter what her choice is concerning the neighbor. Forgiveness or not, time is still needed to trust again. I hope Jane knows that.
No comments:
Post a Comment