In Loving Memory

I haven't been able to face it but it's time.  As of September fourth my dad has been gone ten years.  An entire decade. Almost a lifetime it seems.

Since his death, I've had three additional children.  He died just weeks after I lost a baby.  I got pregnant again about a year after his death.  He never was able in this life to meet Ean.  He would have loved Ean.  His analytical grandson that's obsessed with how things work and spends all his time trying to figure everything out.  The kid that taught himself cursive in kindergarten, just for the fun of it.  Ean is an awful lot like my father.

Dad would have gotten a kick out of him.

Then there's the miracle boys.  I could talk to my dad about everything and anything which is pretty fun because we were polar opposites on pretty much everything.  Something I don't talk about, but my dad considered me one of his best friends.  Right after mom and his sister.  That meant the world to me.

Those three months on bed rest, it would have been so nice to talk to him.  Instead I bugged the heck out of my dear friend Maia.  I could almost hear her eyes rolling when I called the fourth or fifth time in a day.  Bless her heart for putting up with me.

So many milestones where I've turned and thought, my dad would have loved that.  All the Ean stories.  Watching Jane turn into the beautiful young lady she is.  Seeing Kate, who looks so my like me. The twins switching places at school at age three! 

My dad, struggled as a father, he was more comfortable with us when we were old enough to discuss politics but he more then made up for it with his grandbabies.  He embraced being a grandfather, reveled in it.  Jane was four the last time she saw him.  My dad was in the backyard, alternating between tossing dog toys to our furry beast and kicking balls for the girls to fetch.  It was hysterical and my dad was in his element.  Jane is my one child that has a memory of my dad and that's it.  She remembers playing in the backyard with my dad.

We have no pictures of him from that last trip because of course, my dad was behind the camera the entire time. 

So ten years without him.  Ten years and five days to be precise.  Gosh I miss him.

He made me think.  He encouraged me to make good choices.  He helped me weigh the pros and cons of any situation.  He also systematically handed the phone off to my mom if she was there because he assumed I would want to talk to her not recognizing how important he was to me. 

I will always miss him but this month, I've missed him a whole lot more.