Stealing and Lying

Once again as parents, Kent and I are facing the challenge of a child making detrimental choices.  Respecting the privacy of this child, I'm not naming names and I ask for no guesses please. 

We've had a repeated problem of stealing.  For the most part, it's been more family things, think food set aside for family home evening.  Snacks in the locked freezer that should last a few weeks are gone in a few days.  When confronted, this child will go from either claiming to be sharing with younger sibs to flat out lying about any knowledge of the missing booty.

Then I will routinely find evidence in this child's room that this child did take whatever is missing.

We've been dealing with this for at least six months and it's reached a critical point.  I'm in a horrible position where this particular child is always my first suspect and I never believe what this child says.  As a mother, I find it not only heartbreaking but frustrating because obviously, since this is a repeat problem, what we're doing as parents is flat out not working.

The proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, actual money was taken from my desk drawer.  Without opening the door to allow lying, I immediately went to this child and let the child know that the money was to be returned.  Even though I refrained from framing the question that would lead to lying, this child chose to lie anyway.  I was confronted with a barrage of exasperated denial.  Tears.  Worse, then those was the sinking in my heart because I was almost sure that this child was the thief.

So I changed my tactic and announced that I was searching this child's room.  This lead to more attitude with loud, "FINE" and "You WONT FIND ANYTHING".

I tried to let this child know that all the lying in the past meant I couldn't trust this child.  It fell on deaf ears as the denial went on.

I searched and oddly after only a few minutes I found money.  Since this child's allowances is kept in a lock box in my dresser, spare bills in the room are automatically suspect.

First there was outrage.  I mean, this child wanted to just be alone, OKAY! 

Then there was yelling.  Everything I tried to say, there was yelling back at me.

Finally we could talk.   We let this child know that there would be no organized play dates for at least two weeks, no sleep overs for at least a month.  More important is the higher standard of work we're expecting in both school and chores at home.  We let this child know that we expect no complaints.  We also let this child know that this wasn't a grounding.  Leaving the house for around the neighborhood after chores would be fine. 

I'm not a huge fan of grounding and really that needs to the ultimate last resort.  There's a difference between taking away organized play dates and putting a child under house arrest.

The final thing that needed to be understood is that we can't trust this child and if anything comes up missing, I will be searching their room.  I am not required to give a reason.  I am not required to weigh the sides of siblings.  I will simply go and make sure missing items are not in that child's room.  It will be this way until trust can rebuilt and that will take some time.

Dang parenting is hard.