Mother's Tears

I have cried my share of tears for my children. 

I'll never forget the relief that washed over me the first time I went to the nicu alone and watched my twins sleep.  Here they were, perfect little bodies, perfect little boys, both alive with bright red hair fuzzed over their teeny heads.  I couldn't help but cry.  All those emotions from those three months of non-stop worry melted through me.  The tears built up and I quietly cried as I realized I still didn't know what God had in store for my babies.  Relief and worry all came in one blow.  It was emotional.

I'll freely admit to being a crier.  I try to not let it get out of control but I'm an emotional creature navigating a difficult road.  The emotions I carry are for more then myself.  I carry the hopes and dreams of five children in my heart.  I have a man in my life that I am blessed to call spouse that stoically fulfills his duty his father and husband no matter how tired or drained.  The weight of the world is on his shoulders and at times my heart is heavy knowing his burden.

When the neighbor dumped Jane as a friend in sixth grade and my beautiful girl sobbed in disbelief that her friend could abandon their years of friendship, the tears flowed freely knowing I couldn't take her pain away. 

Lets not forget the tears of frustration.  Frustration born of exhaustion from lack of sleep and never ending mischief.  I can't begin to count the times I've been a puddle of tears in the middle of kitchen, sitting on some awful mess of flour and spices, looking upward and questioning "Why me?"  I've never felt more inadequate as a parent then when Ean was a toddler.  I couldn't start to meet his needs and the twins as well.  Life was a constant blur of destruction, projectile vomiting and laundry.  I do believe that's the year I went on zoloft.

So today had tears.  Out of respect of my child, I wont' go into details but once more the unknown is in our life.  We will be searching for answers and we don't know what those answers will be.  I can pretty much guarantee the presence of tears.  After all this is my child and that child is so loved.

Time to get on my knees.  If I'm going to cry, I should do so on my knees.  At least then, I won't be alone.