There was a point in my life, where I wondered if I'd ever get married. I'd never felt comfortable in my own skin. Taunts from individuals that in my youth, by those needing to belittle others in order to define their own worth, haunted me almost a decade later. Having several dating disasters under my belt in College strengthened my doubts. I could feel the waves of negative building as I hit the year mark from returning from my mission.
It's hard to imagine in 1994, but at BYU, I was practically an old maid at the tender age of twenty-four.
Then one day, soon after my application to the BYU Design program was rejected (again), I decided I not only needed a new major but I needed a new attitude. I prayed, I pondered, and I reflected, on not only who I was, but who did I wanted to be. I remember making the decision that I would find joy and happiness, not matter what life had to offer. With no idea where I was headed, or what the future held, I was determined to see life's silver lining.
Now I'm not saying there wouldn't be tears, hardship, pain or loss. I'm saying that I realized, my outlook was a choice.
Of course, some of parts of life's journey are easier to embrace then others. My glass was definitely half full when I met my husband. On our wedding day, I found my joy could not be contained in a glass. I couldn't imagine my feelings, being bigger, until I became a mom. I also discovered how low I could go.
About a year and a half after my second daughter's birth, I found myself pregnant. We were hoping for a third and it was exciting to expand our family. My dad was THRILLED! He adored his grand babies, loving and playing with them in a way that he struggled to do as a young father. My dad counted me among his best friends, and he eagerly shared with his many local friends that he was going to be a grandfather again.
I loss that baby. It wasn't the first baby I'd miscarried, my very first pregnancy wasn't met to be but that grief was fleeting as I quickly became pregnant a few months later. That second loss, was felt much deeper. It wasn't miscarriage itself that spiraled my depression but the loss of my dad two weeks later made life seem unbearable. I found myself, while still recovering physically, not even having a chance to morn that babe, at my dad's funeral with friends of my father's congratulating me on the new baby. It was beyond painful. The climb back was excruciating.
An important point that I need to make, is that having lived through depression, deep, gut wrenching, just the thought of loading clothes into the washer was crushingly overwhelming depression, I am NOT suggesting that you can just get over depression or there's a quick fix. What I'm saying is, even in that cavern of grief and tears that lasted almost a year, I had my daughters and they gave me a glimmer of something to hold onto. While I can't say, I truly found "joy" in that time of my life. I remembered my desire to find life's silver lining. Using that desire, and at that point of my life, it really was a faint memory, I clung to every precious hug my girls gave me. I let my toddler fall asleep on my breast and smelled her sweet hair, taking deep breathes to soak in that moment. And while those ever so brief breaks in the thunderstorm of my grief weren't enough to pull me out, they kept me going forward to a place where I could eventually be happy again.
This was accomplished with my doctor's help, and my husband's love coupled with the smiles of my children, I did move forward.
Trying to see the good, even in the middle of the bad has become a way of life. As I tell my children, I'm not saying you won't ever feel mad, or betrayed. We're human and becoming angry is going to happen. But in that initial flood of emotion, how we react becomes a choice. Even when we've made mistakes (and we will, we all do) how we respond afterwards is a choice. I can honestly say, I'm rather hot headed. I get irrationally angry sometimes. I've been known to put my foot in mouth on a number of occasions to all kinds of people.
My choice when angry is to walk away, calm down and then deal with whatever the heck is going on when I'm rational again. I'm not perfect at it but I try my best because i don't want to be angry.
Even more than that, I enjoy appreciating life's positives. With our youngest's diagnosis of epilepsy, my husband and I looked at each other and expressed gratitude our kiddo wasn't struggling with a life threatening illness. In our hearts, we know he can live a full, wonderful life. Med balancing, getting seizures under control, merely a bump in the road.
Joy? Not in every moment but when I do find the joy, I relish it.
Family, friends, faith... There's a lot of joy in there.
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