I think I was spoiled.

I really miss "just" being a stay at home mom. I can't work full time, I only work part, sometimes very part time, but my hours in the evening. I'm so tired during the day and my body's schedule is so messed up, when I'm home, I can't go to bed early.

*sigh*

Why am I doing this, what luxuries am I buying? You know the automatic assumption is that if both people are working, it's for the "extras" Well the extras in our house include clothes, you know, fancy K-mart so my kids aren't nekkid clothes. Oh, money for our retirement fund, we are so in trouble there and I HAVE to contribute as much as possible or we'll be working until death. Then there's shoes, the online learning site for the girls, occasionally I decide to cut my wild woman hair and that of course costs money.

I've done everything "right" and we're still in trouble.

Well not trouble trouble. Really I have to pull myself into perspective. I don't think our children feel poor. I don't believe they're are lacking really. Our needs are met! I count blessings daily for food, clothes, being able to pay our bills without having to choose between water and electricity, or mortgage and phone.

Our home actually fits our family. It's a tight fit but the twins share a bedroom and everyone else has their own room. Oh I long for a craft room again. A space of my own because I don't have that and my sewing and crafts are so screwed up right now from kids rifling through everything. I have a dozen quilts scattered now, where they once were all organized. :( I could have picked up any project and just started sewing and now. Well. It's depressing. I don't even know if I'll find all the pieces and that saddens me. Just saddens me.

So perspective is great. It's vital to my happiness, I know this. My mortal side still struggles. My creative self feels stifled. It's calling to come out and I have no place to put it. I use to paint, to create, it's part of my being. And now my energy is spent cleaning toilets.

Part of me wonders if someday will ever come.

I don't have regrets but I do have desires. Human, I believe that makes me. Slightly stressed human.

I could sigh again, but who has the time?